Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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