i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
