Pants 0. Shit 1.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
