just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
