Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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