so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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