we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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