peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
