How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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