My liver just broke up with me...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
