Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
