remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
