If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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