i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?