i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it