I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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