Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
