You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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