Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
