yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
