mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
