I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
