i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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