my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
