Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
