my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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