I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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