Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
