So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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