We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
