Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
