People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
