Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize