The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
