8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
