Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
