Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
