I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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