I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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