I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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