And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
BRING THE BAGELS
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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