Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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