I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
