Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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