Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
