So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
