I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
