this boner is exhausting
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
