I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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