they need to just BURY HIM!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
