I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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