why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
