I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
