I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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