4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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