some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
