Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
